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I'm (re)Learning to Walk


3:14 am

I awoke to a burning pain that shot through my body.

My voice came out a tiny whisper as I called to my husband for help. Nothing. So I decided to make the trek to the kitchen for my pain medication myself.

The moment I tried to put weight on my newly stitched ankle I collapsed. After a few more failed attempts the only thing I could think to do was crawl. I made my way to the island where I pulled myself up onto the stool to grab the bottle that would give me relief.

That was four nights ago.

This morning I drove to work. I had to ignore the pain that came with each push of the brake pedal in rush hour traffic. I had to laugh off the stares caused by my newly acquired limp. I had to push past the discomfort.

I recently heard Christine Caine quote her doctor saying;

The pain of recovery is often greater than the pain of the injury.

That's so true.

I can't begin to describe the pain I felt when the glass sliced through my skin and blood came pouring out. I screamed like someone in a 90's horror film. But each step I take on the road to recovery is even more painful. As I move forward my brain can't help but replay the initial moment of impact.

"This is going to hurt," it cries.

My chest tightens and my muscles tense. The fear that fills me while I brace myself for what's next makes everything harder. Isn't all of life like that?

After we experience a disappointment (a death, a breakup, a failure, anything really) it's easy to live in the memory. We start build walls to protect ourselves from ever experiencing what we went through again. The only problem is those walls also stop us from moving forward and keep us, forever, in that place of hurt.

To move forward we have to experience a bit more hurt before we get to "normal". Sometimes forward movement looks like a desperate crawl in the middle of the night. That's ok. After you successfully crawl you might limp and while you're limping you might find yourself wanting to do more. A desire that you didn't have before the incident will come in and you'll find yourself wanting to run.  

Run, towards what's next.

That's what happens when you experience freedom. You want more of it and you want to share it with others. So don't stay in bed. Get up, because someone is waiting on the other side of your story.

baby steps

Here are a few tools to help you. No need to lace up your shoes you can do these while sitting down.

How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich is an amazing book that I can't recommend enough. If you aren't ready to commit to reading a whole book check out their Journaling Awareness Worksheet. Print it along with a copy of the Soul Words List, grab some tissue, and find a quiet corner.

The first step is usually the worst but you've got this.