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Tough Talk (part 1)

I recently decided to stop sleeping with my boyfriend. But I haven’t broken the news to him yet. Any suggestions?

While I agree that cutting off the physical aspect of your relationship is absolutely necessary I know this decision couldn’t have been an easy one for you. So let’s just take a minute to celebrate the spiritual maturity you’re showing.

*cue confetti*

Now let’s get real. Regardless of how he takes the news the process is going to be difficult and you need to be prepared for that. Begin with the end in mind. So let’s look at the possible “ends”.

Option A - Your boy toy has been feeling the same conviction and you both jump happily into your new life of celibacy. Things go great for a little while but then you realize you have no idea how to walk this walk and y’all end up back in bed together.

Option B - Your other half begrudgingly says he understands your decision hoping it’s just a phase. When he sees that you’re serious about this whole no sex thing he begins pressuring you. You either cave and are filled with guilt or stand firm and he decides this isn’t what he signed up for and ends the relationship.

Option C - Your boyfriend thinks you and you’re decision are crazy. He doesn’t even waste his time playing nice. You are now single, party of one.

Cheerful isn’t it?

Ok so I know those aren’t all the possible scenarios. I only gave you the worst case ones. I just want you to make this decision with full knowledge of all that could possibly go wrong. (Just don’t forget that there’s a chance things could work out perfectly fine too.)

But what you came here for was practical advice so here goes.

Step One - Talk to him. You can’t just avoid situations that normally lead to your having sex and hope it all works out. You need to sit him down, sooner rather than later, and clearly explain your decision.

Step Two - Listen to what he thinks. You love this guy right? So regardless of if he agrees with you or not out of respect you need to let him be heard.

Step Three - Affirm that this is not an attack or a form of punishment. Make it clear that this decision is about your relationship with God. If he thinks it’s about him then he’ll think he can talk you out of it (eventually). Make it clear that your decision is not personal and also not negotiable.

Step Four - Decide what’s next, together. Does he want to end things? Then you have to respect his decision as well as yourself and let him go. This means cutting off all contact. Delete numbers, social media, and avoid face-to-face interaction. It’s so easy to fall back into sin. Don’t give yourself any room for error. Does he want to take this journey with you? Continue to…

Step Five - Create boundaries. You’ve heard the saying “if you fail to plan you plan to fail”. Decide what changes you are both comfortable with making to protect your purity. This could be not seeing each other after a certain time of night. It could mean you only go on group dates. Come to an agreement before you end up in a compromising situation.

Step Six - Get Accountability. Tell someone about the decision you have made and give them permission to check on how you’re doing.

At the end of the day you have to decide what you love more, the sin pattern you’ve fallen into or Jesus. God will honor whatever you give up for Him. If you decided to stay together but abstain from sex until marriage your relationship will be much stronger than if you got to that point by continuing in sin. If you end up losing the guy you thought was the best thing that ever happened to you God will bring someone along who makes that “best” look like nothing in comparison. Trust Him.