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I Won't Drink the Kool-Aid

Frankly, I prefer tea.

I've always been a rebel. As a young girl no matter how hard I tried to play nice and follow the rules undoubtedly the time would come every school year where I challenged the status quo. I feel like saying this makes me sound way cooler than I actually was. You're probably envisioning a leather jacket clad mini Cass boldly refusing to color inside the lines.

I wish.

If I'm being totally transparent I loved being the teacher's pet. I wore polka dot dresses and pigtails more than I ever wore black. And I always brought gifts on teacher appreciation day. Some rebel, huh? But no matter how hard I tried to play the role of compliant child something would inevitably rub me the wrong way and I just couldn't seem to keep quiet.

Fast forward a couple of decades. 

I'm still that same girl. No matter how hard I try to fit in I can't help bristling against the powers that be in order to take a stand for something. I'm never satisfied with a "because I said so" or "because he/she is so and so" answer. I need well-presented facts, numbers, or thorough reasoning before I'll agree.

It can be a very lonely place.

When I see people who are able to suck it up or let it go; I envy them. I wish I could live a life unaffected by the passion that all but consumes me I see something that just isn't right. Then I'm reminded of one of my favorite images of Jesus. He's flipping tables in the temple (Matthew21:12-13) challenging how things are done. He is unaffected by status or title of those He disagrees with. I like this Jesus, He's like me.

Or is He?

Whenever I start patting myself on the back about my righteous anger and how similar to Jesus I'm acting I stop and challenge myself. Is my anger really righteous or am I just being a brat? I usually answer that question by uncovering why I'm angry. If my anger is about me/self-centered/ self-serving then I'm being a brat and I need to check my emotions. If my anger is about someone else being unjustly treated/a hindrance to kingdom building/about sin then 97% of the time I feel secure in standing by whatever decision I made.

Do any of you share this struggle?