Follow my blog with Bloglovin

confessions | I hate being a "we"


 
Right now you're judging me based on the title. Am I right? Before you run out and adopt a slew of kittens to help on my journey towards becoming a crazy cat lady hear me out.
I love being in love. I try on last names before I even consider going on a date with a guy. (When you're literally the only person in the world with your last name, like me, these things matter.) I consider my friends sisters because I seriously can't imagine my life without any of them. So my issue isn't really with the idea of commitment; I think.
There are times when people ask "what are we doing" or say "we are going here" that I cringe. This is super hypocritical of me because I ask or make similar statements all the time. Sometimes I'm even the one who made the plans so the other person's only choice is to ask me. And how else would they ask it without using "we"? You and I…"what are you and I doing"? That's just strange.
Now this isn't something that happens all the time so if you're my "real-life" friend please don't overthink your use of the word. But there are instances when I feel people using the word in a possessive nature. I couldn't tell you what it is (their tone? their volume? It even happens via text) but my body instantly tightens from anxiety. It takes everything in me not to respond "WE aren't doing anything" before running in the opposite direction.
I often wonder if this is how people feel that get cold feet before a wedding. The idea of cold feet has always seemed silly to me because you already know you love whoever is causing you to freak out or else you wouldn't be getting married. But I love my friends and family members still there are times when I want to scream "I am my own person and you are yours". I know here's where you say actually we're all God's and we're all a part of the body, blah blah, I get that but I am not one flesh with anyone, yet, so I am not a "we". The word brings so much expectation and responsibility. And I'm not ready for all that.
My aversion to it might make you think I didn't grow up playing team sports, didn't join a sorority, and don't participate in small groups. But I did, I do, I love those things! For the most part in those groups I feel there's a mutual respect for the fact that all things given or done by any member is voluntary. But in relationships there are times when the sacrifice of freedom is assumed and expected. I have no problem making the sacrifice and dying to myself but I need it to be my choice. A choice made out of love because I know it will make whoever happy. Not a choice I'm pressured in to making for fear that I might break the other person's heart or have them angry with me.
I'm sure there's a shrink somewhere that is signing off on you adopting the kittens for me now. Saying clearly this girl will never be marriage material she's far too selfish. And I am at times. God's still working on me.