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confessions | I'm letting go (tóma, tómalo)

Will you do me a favor? Let’s pretend it’s Thursday since I already posted once today and you probably won’t read this until tomorrow, ok?

I’ve always loved the start of a new month. It’s like a mini reset, the turning of a page, and the start of the next chapter. For me April 1st couldn’t have come a moment too soon. I spent the night before crying into my steering wheel and praying to God as I realized that I had reached the end of my latest chapter.

Despite not being ready to move on I gave up the last thing that I thought defined me and my future. I wasn’t trying to be brave or bold; I’d just simply had enough. Questions swirled in my head “what could I have done differently” “what would I do next” then, quietly, I heard "embrace". You know, my word of the year for 2015. And it was the absolute last thing I wanted to do.

I’m a fighter and a fixer. It was killing me that I had no choice. But then I realized my internal choice of saying “enough is enough” was me fighting. Sure, maybe no one would know what I’d decided (unless of course they’re reading my blog *shrugs*) but I would know that I decided to protect my heart by hanging my hopes and dreams on the unchanging God rather than on things of this earth.

There’s no grand moral to this post, no advice. But that’s the good thing about being a blogger it is socially acceptable for me to treat this blog like my diary from time to time. So here’s to my next chapter and to me saying "tóma, tómalo Padre".