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confessions | I am reckless


Hello, I am Cass Eli and I am reckless.

I read a RELEVANT Magazine article once that said "…heartbreak often comes with a side of courage and recklessness. Why not use it to your advantage?" That's true. When you've lost the one thing you've planned so much of your life around you're left with this "what do I have to lose now" feeling.
I'm often tempted to run from the unknown. I'm the type of person who likes to measure the pros and cons of every situation, figure out the highest probable outcome, and THEN move. This method eliminates a lot of risk involved in most situations.
I spent the better half of the last year working on something that, on paper, seemed like a sure thing. I mean it had a 99.99% chance of working in my favor. But you know what? It didn't. It's crushing when any plans don't work but it's an especially big blow to one's ego when you really have to TRY to mess things up.
The quote from that article reminded me that I'm going to feel an overwhelming urge to do something. To fill the void left by all my careful planning.  I can fill that void with all the wrong things like trying every flavor of ice cream my local super market carries or I can fill it with things that grow me. In the midst of my heartbreak I've been able to go places and talk to people I wouldn't before.  
I had tunnel vision while I was working to achieve my goal in the timeline I deemed appropriate. I didn't see how God could use me better than the way I had planned and I didn't have time for distractions. Now, with my plans ruined, I have nothing but time. Time to spend in my dining room until 2 a.m. with my neighbor learning to sign my favorite worship song. Time to commit to various student ministry events that take up whole weekends or weeks of my life. Time to relearn the guitar, dust off my Spanish, and play around with photo editing software.
For me all this frivolity seems reckless; not what you were expecting from my initial confession, huh? Gone are the days where I built my schedule around a future that might never come. Without even meaning to all that careful planning and all those good intentions can make an idol out of anything. I've found that in the "silly little moments", where I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone of control, I've had the greatest opportunities to both share and dive deeper into God's love.